A common question among the recently single is: how long will it take to get over a breakup? How long until I feel better?
Unfortunately, that’s a tough question to answer. We can’t tell you a firm time. It can depend on any variety of things.
How Long Will It Take to Move On
While there’s no firm rule, here are some things that will impact your timeline:
Whether it was a clean break. Was it mutual? Great news. If you could both see the reasons for this relationship ending, you’re ahead of the majority. Many of us feel blindsided, or get caught in an argument where a clear decision hasn’t been made. The slow demise of a relationship feels like torture, and can prolong your recovery from its inevitable end.
Whether it was mutually respectful. There are a lot of things that can come out of our mouths when we’re hurt or surprised. If everyone managed to continue treating their partner with respect through the breakup, it is typically a lot easier to make peace with the conclusion of this chapter of your life. (Alternatively, if you’re mad or still replaying things you/your ex said, that will take longer to get out of your head.)
If you feel personally injured. Sadness is one thing, but if you feel offended or insulted, it’s likely to take longer. We tend to bind ourselves to these feelings, treading the same ground over and over, looking for answers. Getting out of this cycle is hard, but it’s key to moving on.
If you ended things. Sadly for the dumpee, the dumper has usually (hopefully) been thinking long and hard about this before it happened. This means they have a head start on recovery from the breakup, because they already had to resolve themselves to do it.
How long you had been together. Someone you had been dating for a couple months? That can surely still sting, but likely not something that will scar you. A marriage and two kids later? Yikes. That’s a whole different ball game. You are not only dealing with the attachment, but also the enmeshment of your lives. The deeper the bond, the deeper the burn, and the more time it will take to heal.
Complicating factors. Children, an affair, an affair with your best friend, a shared home, a shared workspace… all of these can make breakups more challenging, either for situationally complicating reasons, or for emotionally complicating ones. If you get to walk away, you also get to wash your hands of your Ex much easier. If you’re still entangled (I.e., if you’re still living together), it’s tough to move on when you’re still seeing them all the time.
How to Move On Faster
Sure, sure, we hear you saying. But how can I speed things up? I can’t imagine feeling like this for another moment.
We have good news and we have bad news.
The bad news first: similar to how “you can’t hurry love,” you also can’t hurry recovery from love. This is something that largely happens when it happens.
There’s good news too, though. And that is while you can’t snap your fingers and turn the bad feelings off, you can take mindful, intentional steps to help yourself heal faster.
We offer an email series that holds your hand through this process. You’ll get one email every day for 100 days. Each one includes an assignment. Some days, it’ll be something to help you smile. Other days, it’ll call for serious reflection. All of these are designed to help you grow and thrive as the incredible independent person you are. We’d love to help you move on.
Comments